Ever wondered why some parents can keep a sense of humor in the face of their child's challenging behavior while another parent starts yelling? Why some parents plague themselves with criticism, worry and doubt while others seem more able to just relax and enjoy their children?
Sometimes, it's just our stress level. We all know that when we're under stress, we're less patient. But often it's our thoughts and attitudes, which means the way we're interpreting the situation. So where one parent might respond to a child's rudeness with quiet dignity and curiosity about why the child is so upset, another might get triggered, assuming that defiance is dangerous and needs to be quashed. We don't even notice such beliefs, which are usually unconscious and were often shaped in early childhood. For instance,
Do we all have triggers?Virtually all of us, unless we've done a lot of work on ourselves. No matter how loving and responsive our parents were, most of us drew some conclusions from our childhood experiences that don't serve us. And there were bound to be times when you experienced something that was overwhelming for you. Because it was so overwhelming, your brain wasn't able to process that experience in the way that we usually process experiences -- by incorporating the memory into a neural network that stores related memories. Usually when we process memories -- which happens during sleep -- the emotions associated with the memory are stripped away. That's why once we sleep on something for a few nights, it isn't usually so upsetting. But any time the memory was so upsetting that your brain wasn't able to process that memory as usual, the memory was stored unprocessed -- with all the emotions you felt at the time. That's why when you experience something similar to that event -- maybe not in actual content, but in the way it makes you feel -- you are suddenly swamped with body sensations that are an over-reaction. Those feelings aren't actually from the present experience. They are stored with that earlier unprocessed memory, which is getting triggered by the current experience. Your psyche does this for a reason. If you had a bad experience with a snake in childhood, you're more likely to stay alive later in life if you remember that experience with all the fear you felt initially. So there may have been a time when some mild form of PTSD was beneficial to survival. But this doesn't work so well if the experience was being humiliated by a teacher, which might make you quake when you have to speak up at a staff meeting. And it really gets in your way if the original experience was being frightened of, yelled at, or hit by a parent. If those memories were stored unprocessed, then when your child yells at you or hits you, it triggers all those feelings of fear and feeling victimized that you felt as a child. You can't think clearly. You freeze, or you lash out, either verbally or physically. So most of us have some unprocessed emotions from childhood, which is another way of saying we're lugging these unprocessed feelings and memories around in our emotional backpacks. This unconscious "baggage" will inevitably get triggered as we go through life. It sends us right into our unconscious, which means we do and say things that we would never do if we were fully conscious and aware. And because these are childhood experiences, our children have an uncanny ability to trigger us. Can we heal our triggers? YES! That's our next post. You can find out more information at children's book series and to know more let me know in the comment section.
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“The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well” -- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
We all know that every child deserves unconditional love from his or her parents. So the question is, when we're disappointed in our kids, when we're angry at them, do we withdraw our love? Most parents would say "Of course not! They know I love them. I'm just mad right now! How will they know I'm serious if I don't get angry?" But ask any kid, and they'll tell you that when Mom or Dad is angry, the child fears he's no longer loved. If this happens often enough, the child cooperates less and less, hardens her heart to the parent, and eventually looks to the peer group instead of the parents for love. Not what any of us want for our children. But parents are human. When kids act out, we often get angry! So how do we insure that our child still feels our unconditional love? The secret is managing our anger so we stay connected with our child while we set limits. When you think about it, that's the only way to guide your child without punishing, because connection is what helps children WANT to cooperate. Not easy, right? But do-able. And it gets easier with practice. Here are your three strategies to stay connected while you set limits. 1. Set limits before you lose your temper, so you can keep your sense of humor. Remember that it's your kid's job to test the limits. That's nothing to get irritated about. It's your job to lovingly hold your limit so you give your child what they need, not necessarily what they want -- without making them feel like a bad person. You don't have to be angry to set limits. In fact, your child is more likely to develop self-discipline if you set limits with a lighter touch, because he's more likely to "own" your limit instead of rebelling against it. (That's the "self" in self-discipline.) 2. Look for solutions rather than blame. If your first response is to figure out whose fault it is, kids will always find reasons why it wasn't their fault. If you don't care about fault but instead look for solutions that work for everyone, your child will become an expert in finding win-win solutions. She'll be more likely to take responsibility, too. 3. Choose compassion and repair over revenge when something goes wrong. And yes, punishment is partly about revenge for the parent. Instead, start by empathizing with your child about why they behaved badly. Yes, really! They had a reason. Then, once they feel understood, tell them that you understand AND that behavior is off-limits AND they'll need to make a repair. Like this:
Just remember that while a repair is required, it's her choice what to do. That removes the element of shame and helps her become the hero in her story, instead of the bad kid. Just as with matter-of-factly cleaning up the spilled milk, the process of cleaning up her messes will teach her that she doesn't want to cause those hurts to begin with. Of course, you have to be able to manage your own anger to pull this off. That's why we so often focus on parental self-regulation in these posts. To start, why not forgive yourself for being human and give yourself some of that unconditional love? You deserve it as much as your child does. You can find out more information at economics for kids and to know more let me know in the comment section. “Dr. Laura -- I tried your advice to snuggle more with my son, who is four and often seems angry since his brother was born. At first it was great, he was giggling. Then he started to hit me. He wasn’t playing, he seemed actually really mad at me. I didn’t know what to do, so I held his hand and said “I won’t let you hit me. I see you’re mad.” Then he started to cry. Why did this happen when I was being so nice and trying to be close to him?” -- Katie Most of us are taken aback when our child lashes out after a particularly nice time together. What on earth? But it's precisely BECAUSE we connected with our child that he's showing us his pain. Why? Before this warm interaction, when the child had a rough patch, he stored up some jealousy, anger, and other feelings he didn't feel comfortable expressing. These painful emotions disconnect children from us, so they can't take in the love we're offering. They become difficult and contrary, because they're miserable. Then, when we initiate closeness, it's like getting what they've been longing for. It brings up all their pent-up need for us -- but all those angry, sad or scared feelings are in the way! So after some nice snuggling or giggling, your child may begin to cry or even lash out. That doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. It means your child wants to accept the love you’re offering, and needs your help to let go of those upset feelings that are in his way, before he can connect with you. Let's look at what happened with Katie's son.
Katie was taken aback. Why is he hitting and crying, when she's trying to have a loving interaction? But in fact, it is precisely her love that was healing to her son. Love isn't just about those lovely snuggly moments. Love is also sitting with our child while he shares his deep despair. Love accepts our child, difficult emotions and all. Love heals. The good news? After showing his mom how he felt, and having her understand, this little boy is feeling much happier and more cooperative. Their relationship is closer. He doesn't feel his usual anger about the baby. He's more cooperative with his mom. This is one of the great benefits of connection time with our kids. The child starts to reconnect with us at a deeper level. They show us what’s happening, and ask for our help to work it through. Sometimes they play out the tension. Sometimes they begin talking about the upset, which gives us a chance to empathize and say how sorry we are that it's been so hard. Or sometimes, they show us how they're feeling by hitting. That's unacceptable, of course. But it's the action that's unacceptable, not the feeling. Notice what Katie did here. She didn't push him away or shut down his feelings. Even while she set a limit, she reconnected. She held his hand and acknowledged his emotions. That empathy helped him feel safe enough to cry. You might say, with understanding, "Ouch! All of a sudden you seem very angry. I won't let you hurt me, but you can show me how mad you are, by pushing my hands.... and you can tell me in words. I'm listening." Then just listen, whether your child is using words, tears, or pushing to express his feelings. He may well want to struggle against you, which helps kids get past the anger to the fear beneath. If you can stay compassionate, and really feel it from his perspective, you'll probably tear up. That's a good thing -- your emotional resonance with what he's feeling makes it safer for your child to cry and feel those uncomfortable emotions. And that's where the real healing comes. Like Katie's son, after he cries, you'll find that your child is relieved, much happier and more connected to you. And ready for that loving snuggle! You can find out more information at bedtime stories to read and to know more let me know in the comment section. "To listen fully means to pay close attention to what is being said beneath the words. Ears operate at the speed of sound, which is far slower than the speed of light the eyes take in. Generative listening is the art of developing deeper silences in yourself, so you can slow your mind's hearing to your ears' natural speed, and hear beneath the words to their meaning." -- Peter Senge
Many parents ask their child how their day was and hear "fine." They wonder how to get their child to share anything meaningful. And yet many children say they wish they could talk to their parents more, but their parents don't listen. Or they overreact. Or they just wouldn't understand. Most of all, parents are too busy. Moving too fast. But slow listening is a skill we can develop. We can start by slowing down. One role model is Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, who is known for listening deeply and moving slowly. He's been described as a cross between a snail, a cloud and a piece of heavy machinery. I could never be called a snail given my preferred pace, but I do aspire to the lightness of a cloud and the powerful presence of a piece of heavy machinery. Lately, though, I've been realizing that moving more slowly might be a precondition for that lightness of touch and depth of presence. In fact, reclaiming our inner still point might be an essential part of showing up as a peaceful parent for our children. Some questions I'm finding useful on that journey:
Slow down, so you can listen. That's it. Just slow down and pay attention. For instance, you might:
You can find out more information at Explaining government to kids and to know more let me know in the comment section. Discipline and teaching your children acceptable ways to behave can be one of the most challenging parts of parenting. There are many different opinions about how to properly discipline your child, but one idea that is constant in these many different beliefs and attitudes is that the purpose of discipline is not necessarily to make your child behave in the next few minutes, or even that same day, but to guide your child through their developmental stages while teaching them important lessons and behaviors that will help them grow into successful adults.
Discipline: Reminders and Tips:
Twelve Alternatives to Lashing out at Your Child: We know that times where you need to discipline your child area stressful and and recognize that parents are usually not happy about having to discipline their child. This can sometimes lead parents – even those who are normally calm, cool and collected – to lash out physically or verbally. The next time everyday pressures build up to the point where you feel like lashing out — STOP! Try any of these simple alternatives. You’ll feel better… and so will your child.
You can find out more information at Dad blogs and to know more let me know in the comment section. 1. Make your kids do chores.
Take out the garbage, mow the lawn, do the dishes--they're not just ways to make your life easier, they're ways to make your kids' lives better, too. "By making them do chores ... they realize, 'I have to do the work of life in order to be part of life,'" Julie Lythcott-Haims, a former Stanford University dean and the author of How to Raise an Adult, told Tech Insider. 2. Teach them social skills. Have you ever worked with socially awkward people? It'll probably be no surprise to you to learn then that a 20-year study at Penn State and Duke found that kids with good social skills turned out to be more successful. "Socially competent children who could cooperate with their peers without prompting, be helpful to others, understand their feelings, and resolve problems on their own, were far more likely to earn a college degree and have a full-time job by age 25 than those with limited social skills," Gillett and Baer wrote. 3. Teach and demonstrate high educational expectations. We're combining two practices here, but they're related. First, a University of Michigan study finds that if you want your kids to go to college, present yourself as a good role model by making sure you finish your education first. Meantime, make it clear that you expect them to study through college, too. "Parents who saw college in their child's future seemed to manage their child toward that goal irrespective of their income and other assets," says UCLA professor Neal Halfon, who studied data from 6,600 kids born in 2001. 4. Teach them to develop good relationships. We've all heard of parents whose marriages were failing but who decided to stay together for the sake of the kids. That might be admirable, but it matters more that they have good relationships with each parent, and with siblings (if they have any). First, a study at the University of Illinois showed that it matters more that kids grow up in a home without conflict among their peers and siblings than that their parents are together. And second, a study of children born into poverty reported that "children who received 'sensitive caregiving' in their first three years" of life did better in school, and then had "healthier relationships and greater academic attainment in their 30s," Gillett and Baer wrote. 5. Get them excited about math (early). I certainly remember my mom drilling me on multiplication tables as a kid. (Not kidding: "Three nines? Two sixes? Five fifteens?") It worked: Now I'm a billionaire.* Reading to young children is important, but it turns out teaching them math skills is crucial as well. In one study of 35,000 young children, early math skills translated into not only "future math achievement," according to the study's co-author, Greg Duncan of Northwestern University, but also "future reading achievement." 6. Teach them to try. And not to worry about failing (or much else). You've probably read about the idea of adopting a growth mindset versus a fixed or scarcity mindset. Short version: For your kids, you want a growth mindset. You want them to view failure, which happens to all of us, as a chance to learn and grow--not as an ending. In other words, don't worry. More than that, try to control your level of stress, or at least to control the extent to which they perceive your stress. 7. Show them work ethic--and achievement. If you want your kids to behave a certain way, the most likely way to make it happen is to model good behavior. (The second most effective way might be to model really bad behavior and let them learn from your mistakes. But I'm going to suggest the first idea.) Moreover, a Harvard Business School study shows that kids who grow up with working moms have advantages over those who don't. As Gillett and Baer wrote, "The study found daughters of working mothers went to school longer, were more likely to have a job in a supervisory role, and earned more money -- 23 percent more compared to their peers who were raised by stay-at-home mothers." You can find out more information at Get your kids to follow rules and to know more let me know in the comment section. 1. Conversation: This is number one because it permeates every area and aspect of life. Conversing with coworkers, bosses, loved ones, dates, friends, spouses, neighbors, acquaintances, etc., all require certain social norms and boundaries to be observed—such as mutual respect and give-and-take—whether it’s face to face, by email, social media, and telephone. The younger generation has been called the silent generation, due to communicating overwhelmingly via mediums that do not require actually speaking to anyone, such as texting, social media messages, email, and so on. In so doing, their personal communication skills are being hindered. The broader outcome could be social isolation, arrested social development, and not learning from the common lot of other’s experiences and mistakes who are their age and older, which could stifle a person in various ways and potentially become a barrier to rewarding careers and the full enjoyment of relationships. Knowing how to connect with others, being empathetic, when to speak and when to listen, is of great value in the workplace and in interpersonal relationships. To learn the art of conversation is to actually do it, with peers and other varied and diverse people. 2. Thinking: The stakes are high in our duties and responsibilities in life. The decisions we make have real-world consequences, some immediate, and some delayed, affecting ourselves and others. Making the right choices could literally mean the difference between happiness and remorse, success and failure, and so on. We need to be equipped with the ability to think through scenarios and situations which inevitably arise in our lives, not only for the sake of successful endeavors, but also for the sake of being wise for its own sake. Education is generally pragmatic, wherein the educators test students on specific data, and as such students will learn the specific data just for the test, often by rote memorization. Too often, then, students are not taught how to think through to solutions; even in math, formulas are memorized and the numbers plugged-in to the formula without an understanding of the formula’s formation and what it is solving for, and what are real scenarios it’s applicable to. Learning about Logical Consequence is a good place to start. And here’s a short video which explains a logical fallacy know as self-referential incoherency. Avoiding self-referential incoherency leads to thinking that is consistent with itself. 3. How to Handle Money: The importance of handling money responsibly is obviously valuable. Accounting, finance, and business classes do explain accounting procedures, financing arrangements, and business structures, but do not focus much on personal finances, saving or investing. The job of these classes is to prepare students for working environments, and not necessarily for managing their own finances. Popular financial personality Dave Ramsey’s advice for money management and getting out of debt is a good place to start. Furthermore, higher education doesn’t spend much time teaching students how to be self employed. For the self-starter, knowledge of how to set up their company’s structure, manage the finances, pay taxes and reinvest into the company is crucial, and can mean the difference between failure and success. 4. Dating and Romantic Relationships: “If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly” said G. K. Chesterton. With some things we will be awkward and fumble when we are learning about how to do them. Dating is one of those things. But it’s worth doing, so it’s okay if it’s done badly, and we can learn and grow from our experiences. Schooling doesn’t help our awkward dating life because it doesn’t teach in this domain of life whatsoever. Nevertheless, we can all agree that this aspect of life is very valuable, for this is the first step in falling in love, getting married, and starting a family–and the family is the foundation of society. It is, therefore, important to choose the right mate, know what to look for and what to avoid in a partner, and how to be a good partner yourself. This takes practice and attention to yourself and your date. As with conversation, this experience comes by doing. However, some guidance from our peers and our teachers could help avoid common pitfalls and mistakes that are bound to occur in dating and relationships. 5. The Government: In certain classes we are taught the Bill of Rights, but how these broad rights actually apply to us in day-to-day practice is usually not covered. It is important as a citizen to know and practice your rights when appropriate, and enjoy the freedoms that the U.S. has to offer. It is also beneficial to be involved in politics, from the federal to the local levels, and be aware of who the politicians are, such as the senators representing your state and the mayor of your city. Also, bills that either do or do not pass congress, or that are put to a vote, have an affect on us as citizens. For instance, in 2003, a measure was put to vote in Texas that would allow state colleges to raise their tuition cost, which passed, and tuition has been rising every year since, and as of 2013 state college tuition has risen 55%. Also, how do you register to vote, and where do you vote, and when are votes occurring? 6. How to Survive Without Certain Technology: With the popularity of smart phones and e-readers, mechanical watches and books are becoming rarer. Can you read a single-hand watch, such as the one in the picture? The watch in the picture shows the time as 10:10. One revolution around the whole watch takes 12 hours. It takes one hour to move from the 10 to the 11, and so on, and each individual marker between the hours represent 5 minute increments. So if the hand is at two marks past the 10, it is 10:10. At three marks past the 10, it is 10:15, and so on. The first pocket watches were made with only one hand. While this is antique, it is beneficial to know how to read modern analog clocks. Watches that are “automatic” will never need a battery and will last hundreds of years if taken good care of. One benefit to reading paper books is that older books can still be read, which are usually not in any e-reader form. They can be borrowed, traded, and gifted. They don’t need to be charged. They can be signed and annotated. There are no update or platform or filetype incompatibilities. I fear that the popularity of e-readers will mean that old books will cease to be read, which will mean that we will be cut-off from our ancestors, which will mean the first generation in history which will exist as an island, annexed from common traditional humanity in many ways. 7. Home Repair and Home Owner’s Insurance: As a home owner, potentially costly repairs and replacements to the home will inevitably be necessary, and knowing how to do them can save homeowners money. Painting, plumbing, carpentry, electrical work, etc., are all involved in maintaining and repairing a home, and since home is where most of your valuables are and where you will spend most of your life, knowing how to do repairs and improvements is always valuable. Home owner’s insurance will cover some costly repairs to the home. It’s important to be aware of what types of damages and what amounts are covered and included in the policy. Knowing what tools are necessary for specific jobs makes the work much easier. Learn how to read a ruler and tape measure and be able to take accurate measurements. One of the easiest and most striking ways of improving a house is a fresh coat of paint. Also, maintaining the yard and flower beds add lots of curb appeal. All of this taken together contributes to the value of your home, both monetarily and intrinsically. 8. Car Repair and Car Insurance: Much of the same about repairing and maintaining your home applies to repairing and maintaining your automobile. Regular maintenance can save on repair bills, such as changing the oil every so many miles. Also, changing the oil and oil filter yourself is an additional way to save money. Maintaining proper air pressure in the tires helps gas mileage to go farther, and knowing how to change a tire can mean the difference between being stuck on the side of the road or a momentary setback. Repairs and maintenance are inevitable for anyone who drives a vehicle for any reasonable length of time, and as such it would be helpful if these skills were taught to students, given that quite literally almost everyone will encounter such issues. Also, knowing which vehicle to buy and which to avoid, based on their performance and safety ratings, and which holds the most resale value, are good things to know. It’s important to have full coverage insurance on your vehicle, to cover it and other vehicles in the event of an accident. With accidents, whether they’re your fault or someone else’s, comes filing a claim with car insurance. Knowing what your coverage consists of is important, such as what your deductible is for having your own car repaired, and what dollar amount your insurance will pay for fixing another person’s car if the accident was your fault. 9. Personal Credit: Learning how to establish and maintain good credit is a very valuable skill not taught in school. We all start with no credit, which is not bad, but it’s not necessarily helpful to lenders, and thus good credit needs to be established. Getting a credit card, such as Discover, Capital One, or Fidelity is a good start (retail cards at department stores like Macy’s don’t help as much for improving credit). Do not “max out” the credit card by using more than 90% of the credit limit, and do not miss payments and always pay on time. It’s important to steadily build your credit in this way, so that more and more credit can be extended. Avoid many credit inquiries by financial institutions, as many inquiries can reflect negatively on your credit report. Get a copy of your credit report each year for free, and be aware of what’s on it. The three major credit bureaus are Equifax, TransUnion, and Experian, and all three will have credit reports on you. Keeping good credit will mean having lower or no interest rates when financing a car or house, and will save money over the length of the note. 10. Cooking: Learning how to cook and how to handle household duties are gone with the era of taking Home Economics class in high school. Nevertheless, cooking is essential to life and very beneficial to eating healthy, and therefore being healthy. With home cooking, the ingredients and dishes can be controlled, and the portions commensurate with one’s appetite. Cooking at home generally saves money over eating at restaurants. Culinary school is a specific education that comes after grade school, however, the basics of cooking, food pretreating and preparation, safety and hygiene, should be taught to all students as basic curriculum. You can find out more information at Youth Football and Head Injuries and to know more let me know in the comment section. It’s up to us parents to pass on the basic skills our kids will need to be successful adults, like being able to swim, do their own laundry, or cook a healthy meal. The real question is when should you teach them? Here are age-by-age guidelines for skills kids should learn before they move out on their own.
All kids develop at different paces, so it’s important to go with how interested they are and their maturity level as well as their age. But the age ranges below can help you get a sense for when your children will be developmentally ready to acquire the new skill. After all, you don’t want to suddenly find yourself with a college-aged kid who doesn’t know proper hygiene. It happens, but if you want your kid to be more independent and confident when they step out into the real world, teach them these skills. Follow a Sleep Routine: Ages 1 to 6Yes, good sleep hygiene is a life skill, one many of us struggle with well past our childhood years. When your child is a toddler, you can start teaching them to follow a consistent bedtime routine (something we as adults need as well). Try the four B’s—bathing, brushing, books, and bed—and follow the routine as consistently as possible each night of the week. Once your kids are around 6 or 7 years old, they can follow their own routine and put themselves to bed. However, you might have to keep reminding them to follow the routine, so they get the 9-11 hours of sleep they need each night. You’ll probably also have to keep nagging them when they’re teens and they turn into night owls. How to Get Your Kids to Go the F*** to Sleep: An Age-by-Age GuideNothing ruins a good night's sleep like a child. Whether you're concerned about your… Start Swimming: Ages 1 to 6Kids can learn to get comfortable in and enjoy the water at any age, but The American Association of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends parents wait until kids are at least 1 year old before taking formal swimming lessons. Not all kids ages 1 to 4 need to take swimming lessons, the AAP says, but consider lessons based on factors like how often your kid is around water. The American Red Cross’ swimming and water safety skills chart (PDF) says that from 6 months to about 3 years, young children can pick up basic skills (Red Cross Levels 1 and 2) such as submerging under water, floating, and gliding. Preschoolers (ages 4 and 5) who have learned the level 1 and 2 skills can pick up more advanced level 3 skills that require coordinating their arms and legs and treading water. The Red Cross recommends three more skill levels for children ages 6 and up: stroke development, stroke improvement, and stroke refinement. Basically, more coordination and skill using their arms and legs to move through the water, to the point where they become proficient and confident swimmers. Basic Cooking: Ages 2 and upYour kids may not be the next MasterChef Junior, but acquiring basic cooking skills will be a huge help later in life. Get them involved in the kitchen no matter what age they are and they’re likely to eat healthier and try more new foods (and less likely to be picky eaters.) Preschoolers can measure ingredients, stir batter, and help assemble pizzas. Kids ages 6 to 8 can use appliances and tools like the microwave, toaster oven, and can opener, once you teach them how to use them safely. (Kid-friendly kitchen tools like those from Curious Chef also help.) Preteens can start to learn basic knife skills and cook under your supervision on the stove or using the oven, and teens can make meals for the family. Check out the graphic at the link below for more suggestions. The Kitchen Skills Kids Can Learn, By Age GroupGetting kids involved in the kitchen is one of the best ways to raise healthy eaters, and even… Ride a Bike Without Training Wheels: Ages 3 to 8Most kids learn to ride a bike around the age of 5, but children can learn as early as 3 or as late as 8 (or older). Pediatrician Dr. Vincent Iannelli explains at About.com that in addition to developmental skills, having a safe space to ride and knowing others who ride bikes are things that will influence when kids will learn. HealthyChildren.org says that most children are physically able to handle riding a tricycle at around age 3. Training wheels on a regular bike can help kids get used to using their legs to pedal, but they might not be necessary—and, as one bike shop owner told me, they become crutches for older kids. REI reveals how to teach your child to ride a bike in one afternoon. Brush Their Teeth Unsupervised: Ages 6 to 8The strongest skills and habits we have are usually formed early in life, and that includes good dental care. The American Dental Association recommends parents brush their children’s teeth when the kids are younger than 3, and to supervise children’s brushing from ages 3 to 6. After the age of 6, your child can brush his own teeth. Your pediatric dentist might have a different recommendation, though, and Colgate says most kids won’t be able to brush their teeth well on their own until they are about 8 years old. It’s a matter of motor skills and coordination, not to mention motivation to do a thorough job. (Oral Answers reports that 11 year-olds only brush 50% of the surface of their teeth, and young adults ages 18 to 22 aren’t much better: brushing 67% of the surfaces of their teeth. What It's Like to Pay 50% of Your Income in Taxes You could use plaque disclosing tablets to motivate your kids to brush better. Chewed before or after brushing, these tablets colorize all the plaque still left on teeth in bright, eye-catching colors (gross!). Kids will be able to better target spots where plaque could be hiding. Tie Their Own Shoes (or Bows): Ages 6 to 8Don’t laugh—tying a bow is a lost art these days, with more kids’ shoes sporting velcro than regular laces. It’s one of those skills you might’ve completely forgotten about if you haven’t thought about laces in forever. As with tooth brushing, kids tend to have the motor skills and coordination to be able to tie their own shoes around the 6 to 8 age range. As Parenting says, if the child has the dexterity to handle small buttons or draw simple stick figures, he’s probably ready to tie his own shoes. Try using a jump rope to teach your kid how to tie shoelaces. And perhaps when they’re older and more adept, they can have fun learning to tie useful knots and more efficient and stronger knots for shoes, like the Reef Knot or super-fast Ian Knot. Manage Money: Ages 6 and upAs soon as your kid is old enough to get an allowance and understand how money works, they’re old enough to start picking up financial skills. It’s a good time to teach them to wait before they buy something and to distinguish between wants and needs. Kids ages 6 to 10 can learn about comparison shopping when you’re at the mall or online shopping together, and they can log onto a savings account you open with them to track their money. Tweens should learn about compound interest and how a credit card works. And teens can start investing in a Roth IRA if they make money from summer jobs. Check out more guidelines for each age group. How Should I Teach My Kids About Money?Dear Lifehacker, I want my kids to be smarter with their money than I was in the past. How should I … Young kids probably aren’t able to run the washing machine without supervision, but they certainly can help out with the laundry. They can fold towels, put their own clothes away, and learn not to litter their bedroom floors with dirty clothes. That’s a start, until they’re old enough to comfortably do their own laundry, or better yet, help with the household laundry.Do Their Own Laundry: Ages 8 to 12 Mama’s Laundry Talk—a site dedicated just to the joy of laundry!—has an age-by-age guide for laundry tasks and says that kids ages 11 to 12 are old enough to be responsible for a large portion of household laundry. Again, this depends on your kid. Life as a Mom blogger Jessica Fisher says everyone age 8 and older in her household are able to operate the machines and do a great job of doing their own laundry. She suggests labeling the washing machine and dryer so the kids always know what settings are the “right ones” and setting up a laundry room so everyone’s clear on when the laundry needs to be done. Use a Map and Take Public Transportation Alone: 6 to 13Japanese students as young as six or seven take mass transit on their own. Here in the States, we’re divided between groups that say kids shouldn’t wait at a bus stop alone if they’re under 13 and parents who let their 9 year-olds ride the NYC subway alone. Of course, Japan is a very different place than the US, but the National Center for Safe Routes to School says that, in general, children aren’t ready to cross the street alone until age 10. But, barring local laws against it, this one is up to you. How independent is your child and how aware is he or she of basic safety rules? How confident are they not just in how to deal with strangers but in how to safely cross the street? How easy and safe is it for young kids to get around in your area (suburban streets with walking guards are different than busier urban environments)? I started taking the bus myself to high school and think that for many kids 12 isn’t too young to start, depending on the kid and the area, of course. Whether or not you let your kids walk to school alone or ride the bus or train there, start teaching them how to read maps and find their way around when they’re in grade school. Driving my daughter home from different events, I used to play a game with her in which she would have to choose where to turn or whether to go forward. We got lost a few times, but now she knows the important landmarks and—after I asked her “what if that store closed down, though?”—the important street names. You could also plan subway or car trip routes together on a map. Taking Care of Another Living Thing: 6 and upPets can be great companions for children, but they might not always treat each other gently, which is why the ASPCA, veterinarian Dr. Butch Schroyer, and the Lexington Human Society recommend to Lexington Family that parents should wait until a child is 6 before getting a pet. You might start with a goldfish or a gerbil for young kids before moving up to a dog or cat, but even preteens will probably need some supervision before being completely responsible for the pet. Kids as young as 2 can be introduced to gardening and plant caretaking, and you might get your 6-year-old a (hardy) plant of her own to teach her responsibility. And then there are siblings and babysitting other kids. Like all of the other skills above, this will depend on your kid’s maturity. The minimum age kids are legally allowed to stay home alone varies between 6 and 14, so check your state laws first to see if they’re old enough to be home unsupervised. If they’re not, they obviously shouldn’t be babysitting anyone else. That aside, many people start babysitting when they’re teens or tweens. Keep in mind that in some areas, such as the UK and Ontario, parents can be held legally responsible for anything that happens to a child if the babysitter is under 16. Age shouldn’t be the defining factor for learning this or any other skill, so keep your individual child’s development in mind when you choose when to teach them. You might be pleasantly surprised that your kids are ready to do much more at an earlier age than you thought if you give them a chance. You can find out more information at Point-system for kids and to know more let me know in the comment section. "I don't negotiate with my kids, I think it would confuse them... And didn't you say in a previous post that parents should stand firm so that children know they can trust them to mean what they say? It seems that allowing negotiation would undermine that, and give the child the impression that the parent isn't confident in the boundary they are enforcing... Wouldn't it make more sense to tell the child in the first place if a particular request is a choice, instead of giving an instruction and then allowing them to negotiate their way out of it?" - Sylv
Sylv is right, of course. If we know that a limit is firm, and we're not open to negotiation, then we need to make that clear: "The rule is you feed the dog before you come to the dinner table." "We don't drive the car until everyone has their seat belts on." By contrast, if we're open to how our child fulfills our request, most children feel more cooperative if they're permitted some choices. No one likes to be pushed around. "Do you want to put your shoes on first, or your jacket? "Do you want to wash your face yourself, or do you want me to wash it?" But what about those times when we set a limit and our child argues with us? If the limit is non-negotiable, we don't negotiate, although we can't blame a child for trying. (A sense of humor really helps.) "You're saying you're NEVER going to bed? Uh huh, right. Come here, you never-go-to-bed-boy! I'm the bedtime wrassler, and I always get my man!" Sometimes that means we just have to say No and stick to it. Even when our limit is greeted with tears. But remember, there's no reason to be mean about it. You can be firm and clear about your limit, while still understanding why your child doesn't like it. "I hear you. It's really hard to stop playing and get ready for bed, when your brother gets to stay up later. When you're eight, you'll be able to stay up later, too. And right now, it's still time for you to get ready for bed. Let's go." But there are certainly times, when our child states his preference, that we realize that actually we could give a little, and we'd both be happy. In that case, why not say so at the start? But do it in a way that invites them to partner with you to find a solution that works for both of you. "Okay, I hear you want to stay at the park longer.... And I need to get home in time to get dinner started. What can we do?..... Hmm, staying another 20 minutes doesn't work for me; it doesn't help me get dinner cooked in time.... What about this? Will you two help me peel the potatoes?... Terrific! We found a solution that works for you AND works for me! We can stay ten minutes longer." This teaches kids to look for Win/Win solutions, which is an essential relationship skill. Should they get what they want by whining or threatening? Absolutely not. Should they learn that they can get what they want by marshaling good arguments and making them in a reasonable, humorous, charming way that meets your needs as well as theirs? Absolutely, if you want them to get anywhere in life. The hard part of this is getting clear about just what your needs are, in the midst of the conversation. Sure, she has to get that peanut butter out of her hair, but can she do it at the kitchen sink instead of in the shower? Sure, he needs shoes, but why can't he carry his sandals to the car and put them on there? It's hard to make these decisions under pressure, so it helps if you can stay calm while you consider. And if you're too stressed to be open to negotiation at that moment, you're allowed to pull rank: "I hear that you think it would work for me to take you to the store now, then come back and get your brother... That sounds like a lot of driving and I'm already overwhelmed with this busy day... So thanks for trying to come up with a solution, Honey, but today I need to do this the simple way. We need to all be ready to leave in 15 minutes together. Now, how can we work together to do that?" Can't this drive you crazy? Yes, which is why you'll probably need to pull rank sometimes and just announce that you're not open to negotiation. Since you usually try to find win/win solutions, your kids will give you the benefit of the doubt. Isn't this more work? Yes. But you're teaching them critical life skills. When you parent this way, your child will start anticipating your objections and looking for win/win solutions. What's more, your objections will become part of their planning process, so they'll take responsibility to offer responsible solutions before you even open your mouth to negotiate. For instance, by the time my daughter was 14, she frequently said things like this to me: "Mom, I know you're going to ask how I'll get all my homework done if I spend all Saturday with my friends at the amusement park. But I've been keeping up with everything, so I only have my history paper to finish. If I get up early on Sunday, I'll be able to do a good job on it." You can find out more information at How to make a kids volcano and to know more let me know in the comment section. We all crave those close moments with our children that make our hearts melt. Connection is as essential to us parents as it is to our children, because that's what makes parenting worth all the sacrifices.
That connection is also the only reason children willingly follow our rules. Kids who feel strongly connected to their parents WANT to cooperate, if they can. They'll still act like kids, which means their emotions will sometimes overwhelm their still-growing prefrontal cortex. But when they trust us to understand, to be on their side, they're motivated to follow our lead when they can. Researchers remind us that we need five positive interactions to every negative interaction to keep any relationship healthy. And since we spend so much time guiding -- aka correcting, reminding, scolding, criticizing, nagging, and yelling -- it's important to make sure we spend five times as much time in positive connection. But we're only human. There are days when all we can do is meet our children's most basic needs. Some days it's nothing short of heroic simply to feed them, bathe them, keep an encouraging tone, and get them to sleep at a reasonable hour -- so we can do it all over again tomorrow! So given that parenting is the toughest job on earth -- and we often do it in our spare time, after being separated all day -- the only way to keep a strong bond with our children is to build in daily habits of connection. Here are twelve habits that don't add time to your day, but do add connection. Simple, but incredibly powerful, these habits heal the disconnections of daily life and build emotional intelligence. You'll find that using them daily changes everything. 1. Aim for 12 hugs (or physical connections) every day. As family therapist Virginia Satir famously said, "We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth." Snuggle your child first thing in the morning for a few minutes, and last thing at night. Hug when you say goodbye, when you're re-united, and often in between. Tousle hair, pat backs, rub shoulders. Make eye contact and smile, which is a different kind of touch. If your tween or teen rebuffs your advances when she first walks in the door, realize that with older kids you have to ease into the connection. Get her settled with a cool drink, and chat as you give a foot rub. (Seem like going above and beyond? It's a foolproof way to hear what happened in her life today. You'll find yourself glad, many times, if you prioritize that.) 2. Play. Laughter and rough-housing keep you connected with your child by stimulating endorphins and oxytocin in both of you. Making laughter a daily habit also gives your child a chance to laugh out the anxieties and upsets that otherwise make him feel disconnected -- and more likely to act out. And play helps kids want to cooperate. Which is likely to work better? 3. Turn off technology when you interact with your child. Really. Your child will remember for the rest of her life that she was important enough to her parents that they turned off their phone to listen to her. Even turning off music in the car can be a powerful invitation to connect, because the lack of eye contact in a car takes the pressure off, so kids (and adults) are more likely to open up and share. 4. Connect before transitions. Kids have a hard time transitioning from one thing to another. They need us to "co-regulate" them through those moments when they really don't want to give up what they're doing to move onto something we want them to do. If you look him in the eye, use his name, connect with him, and then get him giggling, you'll give him a bridge to manage himself through a tough transition. 5. Make time for one on one time. Do whatever you need to do to schedule 15 minutes with each child, separately, every day. Alternate doing what your child wants and doing what you want during that time. On her days, just pour your love into her while you follow her lead. On your days resist the urge to structure the time with activities. Instead, try any physical activity or game that gets her laughing. 6. Welcome emotion. Sure, it's inconvenient. But your child needs to express his emotions or they'll drive his behavior. Besides, this is an opportunity to help your child heal those upsets, which will bring you closer. So summon up all your compassion, don't let the anger trigger you, and welcome the tears and fears that always hide behind the anger. Remember that you're the one he trusts enough to cry with, and breathe your way through it. Just acknowledge all those feelings and offer understanding of the pain. That creates safety, so he can move through those emotions and back into connection, Afterwards, he'll feel more relaxed, cooperative, and closer to you. (Yes, this is really, really hard. Regulating our own emotions in the face of our child's upset is one of the hardest parts of parenting. But that doesn't mean we're excused from trying.) 7. Listen, and Empathize.Connection starts with listening. Bite your tongue if you need to, except to say.The habit of seeing things from your child's perspective will ensure that you treat her with respect and look for win/win solutions. It will help you see the reasons for behavior that would otherwise drive you crazy. And it will help you regulate your own emotions so when your buttons get pushed and you find yourself in "fight or flight," your child doesn't look so much like the enemy. 8. Slow down and savor the moment. Instead of rushing your child through the schedule so you can spend a few minutes with him before bed, use every interaction all day long as an opportunity to connect. Slow down and share the moment with your child: let him smell the strawberries before you put them in the smoothie. When you're helping him wash his hands, put yours in the running water with his, and share the cool rush of the water. Smell his hair. Listen to his laughter. Look him in the eyes and meet him heart to open heart, sharing that big love. Connect in the magnificence of the present moment. Which is really the only way we can connect. (For most parents, this is also the secret to being able to tolerate playing that same game, yet again.) 9. Bedtime snuggle and chat. Set your child's bedtime a wee bit earlier with the assumption that you'll spend some time visiting and snuggling in the dark. Those companionable, safe moments of connection invite whatever your child is currently grappling with to the surface, whether it's something that happened at school, the way you snapped at her this morning, or her worries about tomorrow's field trip. Do you have to resolve her problem right then? No. Just listen. Acknowledge feelings. Reassure your child that you hear her concern, and that together you'll solve it, tomorrow. The next day, be sure to follow up. You'll be amazed how your relationship with your child deepens. And don't give this habit up as your child gets older. Late at night is often the only time teens will open up. 10. Show up. Most of us go through life half-present. But your child has only about 900 weeks of childhood with you before he leaves your home. He'll be gone before you know it. Try this as a practice: When you're interacting with your child, show up 100%. Just be right here, right now, and let everything else go. You won't be able pull this off all the time. But if you make it a habit several times a day, you'll find yourself shifting into presence more and more often. And you'll find a lot more of those moments that make your heart melt. You can find out more information at Mothers day ideas for your wife and to know more let me know in the comment section. "My 3 year old was sitting on the couch after bath wearing her towel and said NO about 5 times when asked to get into her pj's. I was busy with the baby and I heard my husband say "OK fine -- no books then!" so I said "Hey! We've got a problem -- it's bedtime and you need to be in your PJ's -- How do YOU think we should solve it?" And just like that -- she got a big grin her face, suggested we all clap our hands and march our feet and we formed a line right into her room -- happily! Same thing for teeth brushing and potty later! Each time I said "Hey, great problem solving skills! Thank you!" And her response? "You're welcome Mama -- no problem!"
Most parenting experts suggest that when children "misbehave" the best response is "consequences." Parents are told that letting children experience the consequences of their poor choices will teach them lessons. Makes sense, right? Well, no. Natural consequences can teach important lessons. We all have to learn that if we don't remember to take our lunch, we'll go hungry. But when most parents use "consequences" for discipline, they aren't the natural result of the child’s actions (“I forgot my lunch today so I was hungry.”) Instead, they have become for children the threats they hear through their parents’ clenched teeth: “If I have to stop this car and come back there, there will be CONSEQUENCES!!” In other words, Consequences mean Punishment. Whether you're threatening a timeout or the loss of a privilege, that is punishment, which is defined as causing another person physical or emotional pain with the purpose of getting them to do things your way. Unfortunately, research shows that punishment raises kids who behave WORSE and are LESS MORAL. I know, that seems counterintuitive. But when the discipline comes from outside, the child isn't actually CHOOSING to "be good." So he isn't building those self-discipline muscles. And since he's being good only to avoid punishment, he isn't building moral muscles either. In fact, since punishment creates power struggles, kids who are punished go on the defensive and blame everyone but themselves. Inside, though, they feel like bad people -- which makes it hard to "act good." Worried about what you'll do without the threat of Consequences to keep your child cooperating? Next time your child refuses your guidance and you find yourself about to blurt out a threat, try one of these responses instead. 1. Let your child solve it. Like the child in the example above, it's amazing how children step into responsibility when we offer it in a collaborative way. They love to help, and to solve puzzles. Sometimes they just need a little respect. 2. Partner for Win/win solutions. If your child doesn't offer a solution that works for you, explain why and help her come up with one. Once your child believes that you're serious about win/win solutions, she's much more likely to work with you to find a solution that works for everyone. 3. Invite cooperation with your phrasing. Consider the difference in these approaches: "Go brush your teeth now." - Since no one likes to be told what to do, a direct order like this often invites resistance, either directly or in the form of stalling. "Can you go brush your teeth now?" - Many kids will reflect on this and just say No. Don't phrase your request in the form of a yes or no question unless you're willing to accept No for an answer. "Do you want to brush your teeth now, or after you put your PJs on?" - This strategy works because you’re extending your child the respect of giving him some control, at the same time that you retain the responsibility of making the decisions you need to as his parent. Only offer options you can live with, of course. "You may brush your teeth now." - Almost sounds like a privilege, doesn't it? This is a command, but a respectful, calming one. Works especially well with kids who are over-stimulated by bedtime and overwhelmed by choices. This is a great way to interrupt things when you're headed down a bad road. Get down on your child's level and make a warm connection. Look in her eyes. Touch her. 5. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
6. When your child defies you, focus on the relationship, rather than on discipline. A good relationship is your foundation; guidance doesn't work without it because your child stops caring about pleasing you. A child who is rude is either very upset, or expressing her need for a better relationship with you. In either case, "consequences" will make the situation worse. I'm not suggesting you put up with rudeness, just that you see it as a red flag to do some repair work on the relationship. 7. Make sure your expectations are age-appropriate.
8. Get to the root of the problem. Usually when kids defy us, they're asking for help with their emotions. You'll know this is happening when your child seems unhappy and is making you unhappy; when whatever you try just doesn't work. At those times, your child is showing you that he has some big feelings he needs to express, and he needs your help. He may be angry, or afraid, or sad. He may just need to cry. So if you set a limit and your child defies you, forget about punishment and consequences. This is a red flag that he needs your help. Connect with him, restate your limit with kindness and compassion, and listen to his upset. After your child gets a chance to show you all those feelings he's been stuffing down, you'll find him much more cooperative. 9. Engage the thinking brain by creating safety. When humans are upset, our brains don't work as well because "fight, flight or freeze" takes over and thinking stops. So any time there are heightened emotions, start by calming your own emotions to create safety. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that it isn't an emergency. Then connect warmly with your child so she feels safe again. That moves her out of fight or flight, so she can think again. Finally, invite her brain to engage by helping her understand what's happening: This builds emotional intelligence in your child -- and in your partner. And even if it doesn't get you all on the same page, at least it gets you into the same book! 10. Use natural consequences. I'm not suggesting that you move heaven and earth to protect your child from the natural outcome of his choices. We all need to learn lessons, and if your child can do so without too much damage, life is a great teacher. (Meaning, you won't let him get a concussion to teach him to wear his bike helmet.) But you'll want to make sure these are actually "natural" consequences that your child doesn't perceive as punishment so they don't trigger all the negative effects of punishment. What's more, you'll want to be sure that your child is convinced that you aren't orchestrating the consequence and are firmly on his side, so you don't undermine your relationship with him. Consider the difference in these approaches: "Of course I will bring your lunch to the school, Sweetie. I don't want you to be hungry. But try to remember it tomorrow." - Child may or may not remember his lunch tomorrow. There is no harm in doing this once or even twice, if you can do it easily. We all have forgotten things like lunches, and it is not a sign that your child will be irresponsible for life. But it is a signal that you need to help your child with self-organization strategies. "I'm certainly not going to drop everything to bring you your lunch. I hope this will teach you a lesson." - Child will probably learn to remember his lunch. BUT he concludes that parent doesn't care about him, and becomes less cooperative at home. (And as my teenager says, "I would never ask a parent like that for help when I really needed it.") "Ok, I will bring your lunch but this is absolutely the last time. You would forget your head if it weren't glued on and don't expect me to always drop everything to bail you out." - Child does not learn to remember lunch but does learn that he is a forgetful person who irritates his parent. In the future, he acts in accordance with this expectation. You can find out more information at Managing your wife's emotions and to know more let me know in the comment section. Millions of children struggle with bed-wetting. As a pediatrician, I understand the stress and frustration that bed-wetting can have on families. For some kids, wetting the bed can be embarrassing and upsetting; they get anxious about sleepovers and special events away from home. On the other hand, some kids don’t care they wet, but their parents don’t like the mess, the daily cleanup process or the continued expense of diapers. Either way, families often come to my office to find solutions. The first thing I tell families is that it's normal for a child to wet the bed well into elementary school. Trying to train a child to be dry at night when they are too young can cause more frustration, shame and anxiety. For some perspective, about 20 percent of a kindergarten class is still routinely wetting the bed, 7 percent of kids in elementary school wet the bed at least once per week, and 1 in every 100 teens still wets the bed. Letting your child know that there are lots of other kids who also wet the bed can diffuse worry and calm fears. For most kids, bed-wetting is cured with time. Despite the common suggestions to limit fluids before bed or to drag your sleeping child to the bathroom before you go to bed, these "tricks" avoid dirty laundry without working on the real cause of night wetting. Wetting is caused by an immature brain-bladder connection, which is required to cue your body to wake up and pee. This immature connection is often complicated by the fact that kids’ bladders are physically too small to hold the amount of pee their body makes at night, setting them up to leak while sleeping. We also know that bed-wetting is genetic. Often a bed-wetting child has a parent, aunt, uncle or sibling who wet the bed. Bed-wetting can also be caused by stress or change. A new baby, a move or another transition in the family may be enough to see some night accidents. Before I encourage my families to work on night training, I confirm that three things are true. First, your child should be at least 8 years old, even better if she has had a few dry nights in the past or if the volume of the wetting accidents is starting to decline. Second, your child needs to care about the wetting. If he doesn’t care that he wets at night, he will have no motivation for success. Finally, there shouldn't be any signs of medical reasons for the night wetting. Specifically, the child has never had consecutive months of dryness, pain during or after peeing, snoring or increased hunger or thirst. Kids with these symptoms may need lab testing or a specialist referral before working on night dryness. Once your child is ready to train, put a good nighttime routine in place. This should include a consistent bedtime. After bath and stories, have your child get out of bed and go to the bathroom. Make sure the path to the bathroom is free of clutter and well lit. Secondly, carefully monitor your child's pooping habits. Constipation is sneaky and can sabotage success. A big poop can place pressure on the bladder, limiting the ability for it to fill adequately. This effectively makes the bladder smaller and more likely to overflow at night. Also, talk about the process. Having your child say, "I have to pee, I have to get up" may sound silly. Verbalizing the plan, however, is a significant first step in triggering the brain-bladder connection that you want to encourage. The most effective means for training the brain-bladder connection involves using a bed-wetting alarm. These inexpensive devices, which rely on a moisture sensor, are placed in the bed or worn in the underwear to alert your child of wetness. As soon as your child leaks urine, the alarm will go off (vibration or sound). That is the trigger to get out of bed to go to the bathroom. For kids who are deep sleepers, this may take additional effort from a parent to assist them in waking when the alarm goes off. Use of this technique is often the quickest route to long-term success, achieving dry nights in the majority of kids over age 7 within 12 weeks. The bottom line is that the most common cure for bed-wetting is time. As kids get older, the brain-bladder connection naturally matures. As each year passes, more and more kids will have dry nights without any interventions at all. If you have worries about your child's health or your child is expressing concern about wet nights, please talk with your child's doctor, who I'm sure would be happy to help. You can find out more information at how much money should i save for a baby and to know more let me know in the comment section. When a newborn comes home, parents know sleep goes out the window. But new research shows that sleep loss could plague Mom and Dad for up to six years. "What is new in the current study is that we compare sleep before pregnancy with sleep up to six years after birth," study author Sakari Lemola explained. "We were surprised to see that sleep duration and sleep satisfaction were still decreased six years after birth." Why? "Having children increases the demands and responsibilities associated with the new role as a parent," said Lemola, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Warwick, in England. "Also, older children are sometimes ill, have nightmares or just wake up and go to their parents," he added."Even if children don't wake up the parents directly, it is possible that parents have more things to worry about, to plan and to organize compared to before the first child, which may curtail their sleep," Lemola explained. In the study, the researchers followed more than 4,600 German women and men. All reported the birth of a first, second or third child at some point between 2008 and 2015. On average, new mothers were about 33, while new fathers were about 36. Interviews to gauge sleep duration and satisfaction were conducted on an annual basis. In the end, the investigators found that both sleep satisfaction and duration "sharply declined" following childbirth during the first three months, particularly among mothers. First-time parents were particularly vulnerable to experiencing sleep disruption early on, as were mothers who breast-fed. On average, new moms lost an hour of sleep a night in the first three months. Sleep patterns did improve significantly over time. But, to some degree, sleep disruption continued even six years out, regardless of parental income or whether a mother or father was raising a child alone or with a partner. Lemola noted that the long-term sleep disruption seen was "rather modest," roughly 15 to 20 minutes a night for parents, and would probably not give rise to any major health consequences. Still, for parents looking for ways to protect their sleep, he advocated trying to schedule naps in conjunction with their child. Lemola also advised establishing shifts in which one parent rests while the other handles child care. But, "while that works for some parents, for others it may be more difficult," he acknowledged. "If sleep deprivation is getting too bad, it is also important to accept support, for instance from one's own parents who may stay over for a night." The findings were published online recently in the journal Sleep. Dr. Raina Gupta, a sleep medicine specialist with the Center for Sleep Medicine in Chicago, pointed out that sleep loss among new parents is complex, and its ramifications are not fully understood. For one, "the long-term health impact of low total sleep time at the younger age at which most families are having children under the age of 6 is unknown," she stressed. What's more, potential differences in how sleep loss is experienced by mothers and fathers can change from home to home, Gupta said. It all depends on how each family divides up child care duties, and which parent's routine is most altered when the newborn is awake. "As a mother and a sleep doctor, I am very familiar with the phenomenon of reduced total sleep time after the birth of a child. I see it in my patients with young children frequently," said Gupta. "Any new parent would agree with this data," she added. You can find out more information at how to prepare for a baby financially and to know more let me know in the comment section. Kids can start becoming couch potatoes as early as age 7, a new study reveals. A review of 27 studies published between 2004 and 2018 in different countries found high rates of decreasing physical activity among children and teens. While many teens quit playing sports, overall activity starts to decline during early school years among kids who were once active, said study author Irinja Lounassalo. She's a doctoral student in sport and health sciences at the University of Jyvaskyla in Finland. So, "being physically active in childhood and adolescence may be of high importance since it can postpone the time of becoming inactive later on," Lounassalo said. While the percentage of inactive people increases with age, certain groups actually increase their activity levels in adulthood and old age. "In the future, special attention should be paid to these individuals who increase their physical activity, because it is important to understand how potential lifelong inactivity could be turned into activity," Lounassalo said. Among children and teens, parental support for an active lifestyle helped increase activity. For teens, less time in front of the television was associated with regular activity. For adults, quitting smoking brought increased activity. And among older adults, regular activity was associated with a lack of chronic illnesses, a lower death rate and good physical functioning. "Since physical activity behavior stabilizes with age and inactivity is more persistent behavior than activity, interventions should be targeted at children early in life before their habits become stable," Lounassalo said. Parents can help by supporting physical activity in the schools and extracurricular sports clubs for kids, she said. "Building publicly available sport facilities and safe bicycling and walkways might help in increasing opportunities for being active regardless of age, nationality, gender or educational level," Lounassalo said. You can find out more information at how much money should you save before having a baby and to know more let me know in the comment section. "Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them. ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery" Folk wisdom says that we learn nothing new but remember what we have once known and forgotten. I truly believe this, which is why I also think that we have so much to learn from children because they remind us of what we once knew but have forgotten. Life lessons from kids Here are eight life lessons from kids that can teach us how to be happy and live a peaceful life, if we pay enough attention. 1. The world is a playground Just look at them at play. There are driven by the joy of discovering a new world. Everything is an opportunity for creating fun. Everything is fresh and inspires them to experiment and try out new things. This freshness and excitement is what drives them. The world is a playground—an incubator or laboratory to create fantastic things. We forgot this as we grew up. In reality this is what life is: One big opportunity to create. Our nature and purpose is to be creators. We drowned it by stacking up rules, fears, limits and inhibitions. Children constantly remind us what we came here to do—create and remember how to play the game of life. 2. It’s all about excitement What few people know is that our goal is not really happiness but excitement. Happiness is a by-product of excitement. Children can show us this. Excitement motivates us, gives us the energy to go through difficulties and adversities. It elevates us to the frequency of joy. Children buzz with excitement. They are lead by it instead of suppressing it. When they are excited they are absorbed single-mindedly into the process of whatever they are doing. They can easily switch from feeling annoyed, frustrated or sad to feeling completely excited about something else that catches their imagination. 3. Creativity through play All that children want—or the young of any species for that matter—is to play. Play is the vehicle that sparks the imagination and allows the creative juices to flow through. As adults we block or suppress our creative faculties because we forgot the power of play. We dulled the mind with many tight rules and expectations about the world. What we can learn from children is that with more play in our lives, we can truly manifest a better world based on authentic and creative solutions rather than dull and limited views of the same old problems. 4. Resilience Children are highly adaptive and flexible which makes them resilient. When a child meets an obstacle or failure, he or she is not stunned or demoralized—at least not for long. She will either try again with fresh new enthusiasm or hop on to another idea, quickly forgetting the setback a moment before. Sometimes I observe kids at play. They come up with a plan or idea and they are all buzzing around with excitement. Then they learn that some part of their grand plan faces a practical obstacle. Their excitement dips—ooohh! Then someone comes up with an alternative or a completely new idea and suddenly the excitement of the group skyrockets again. They have completely forgotten the little tragedy. This is not so with us adults. When we face obstacles in life our mind gets stuck in the problem for too long, even when a new solution presents itself (or else we just miss the solution because of the very fact that the mind is locked on the problem). We fail to see fresh alternatives like children often do. 5. The power of forgetting and forgiving I’ve heard so many people say “I forget but do not forgive” or “I forgive but do not forget.” I never really understood either expression. Having one without the other is like taking a shower with your clothes on. It defeats the purpose. Children teach us differently. They can easily both forget and forgive. They don’t keep things hanging heavily on their hearts. They still bear the lightness of being. So why do we do that to ourselves? I mean why do we deliberately choose to keep a heavy heart? What’s the win? What’s the benefit? 6. Letting go The natural companion to forgetting and forgiving is letting go. You cannot do both without letting go of the baggage that drags you down. Letting go is not hard; we only make it so. The obvious truth is that letting go is lightening up—being lighter and allowing more light to shine on your problems. Children find it much easier to let go because they have less complexes and baggage to cling on to which brings me to the next point. 7. Zen mind Some people say that children have a Zen mind because they have a ‘beginner’s mind.’ I cannot agree more. The classical Zen allegory of the full cup is a perfect example. You cannot fill your cup with new stuff when it’s already full just as you cannot acquire fresh new ideas and perspectives when you mind is already full with preconceptions, beliefs and expectations about the world. Your hard disk becomes full with installed programs. You need to clean it up a bit in order to be able to accommodate fresh new information about the world and yourself. Children are always excited because they have so many new things to discover. When the mind is full, the world becomes empty and dull. 8. Putting in your all When children do something they are excited about, they are completely absorbed in the task at hand. They put in their all without exclusion—even if for a brief moment. They are motivated and their mind is not preoccupied with a hundred other things. As adults we find that increasingly hard to do. We might be doing something but our mind might be diluted over other concerns in the background. You might say that’s obvious since as adults we have more responsibilities to answer to. Maybe so, but we still have the option to commit our energy and attention to one task at a time. It’s a habit that can be relearned. Yes, for children it comes more naturally. Yet whether it comes naturally or has to be nurtured is not the point. The point is that giving our 100% to something is an ideal to be pursued as it creates more quality output in whatever we do while training the mind to operate more effectively. In practice, it also results in better time management and a good exercise in self-discipline and in organizing our tasks better. Life is too short. Make these life lessons from kids a part of your routine and see the transformation! You can find out more information at how much money to save before baby and to know more let me know in the comment section. PHRASES like “tiger mom” and “helicopter parent” have made their way into everyday language. But does overparenting hurt, or help?
While parents who are clearly and embarrassingly inappropriate come in for ridicule, many of us find ourselves drawn to the idea that with just a bit more parental elbow grease, we might turn out children with great talents and assured futures. Is there really anything wrong with a kind of “overparenting lite”? Parental involvement has a long and rich history of being studied. Decades of studies, many of them by Diana Baumrind, a clinical and developmental psychologist at the University of California, Berkeley, have found that the optimal parent is one who is involved and responsive, who sets high expectations but respects her child’s autonomy. These “authoritative parents” appear to hit the sweet spot of parental involvement and generally raise children who do better academically, psychologically and socially than children whose parents are either permissive and less involved, or controlling and more involved. Why is this particular parenting style so successful, and what does it tell us about overparenting? For one thing, authoritative parents actually help cultivate motivation in their children. Carol Dweck, a social and developmental psychologist at Stanford University, has done research that indicates why authoritative parents raise more motivated, and thus more successful, children. In a typical experiment, Dr. Dweck takes young children into a room and asks them to solve a simple puzzle. Most do so with little difficulty. But then Dr. Dweck tells some, but not all, of the kids how very bright and capable they are. As it turns out, the children who are not told they’re smart are more motivated to tackle increasingly difficult puzzles. They also exhibit higher levels of confidence and show greater overall progress in puzzle-solving. This may seem counterintuitive, but praising children’s talents and abilities seems to rattle their confidence. Tackling more difficult puzzles carries the risk of losing one’s status as “smart” and deprives kids of the thrill of choosing to work simply for its own sake, regardless of outcomes. Dr. Dweck’s work aligns nicely with that of Dr. Baumrind, who also found that reasonably supporting a child’s autonomy and limiting interference results in better academic and emotional outcomes. Their research confirms what I’ve seen in more than 25 years of clinical work, treating children in Marin County, an affluent suburb of San Francisco. The happiest, most successful children have parents who do not do for them what they are capable of doing, or almost capable of doing; and their parents do not do things for them that satisfy their own needs rather than the needs of the child. The central task of growing up is to develop a sense of self that is autonomous, confident and generally in accord with reality. If you treat your walking toddler as if she can’t walk, you diminish her confidence and distort reality. Ditto nightly “reviews” of homework, repetitive phone calls to “just check if you’re O.K.” and “editing” (read: writing) your child’s college application essay. Once your child is capable of doing something, congratulate yourself on a job well done and move on. Continued, unnecessary intervention makes your child feel bad about himself (if he’s young) or angry at you (if he’s a teenager). But isn’t it a parent’s job to help with those things that are just beyond your child’s reach? Why is it overparenting to do for your child what he or she is almost capable of? Think back to when your toddler learned to walk. She would take a weaving step or two, collapse and immediately look to you for your reaction. You were in thrall to those early attempts and would do everything possible to encourage her to get up again. You certainly didn’t chastise her for failing or utter dire predictions about flipping burgers for the rest of her life if she fell again. You were present, alert and available to guide if necessary. But you didn’t pick her up every time. You knew she had to get it wrong many times before she could get it right. HANGING back and allowing children to make mistakes is one of the greatest challenges of parenting. It’s easier when they’re young — tolerating a stumbling toddler is far different from allowing a preteenager to meet her friends at the mall. The potential mistakes carry greater risks, and part of being a parent is minimizing risk for our children. What kinds of risks should we tolerate? If there’s a predator loose in the neighborhood, your daughter doesn’t get to go to the mall. But under normal circumstances an 11-year-old girl is quite capable of taking care of herself for a few hours in the company of her friends. She may forget a package, overpay for an item or forget that she was supposed to call home at noon. Mastery of the world is an expanding geography for our kids, for toddlers, it’s the backyard; for preteens, the neighborhood, for teens the wider world. But it is in the small daily risks — the taller slide, the bike ride around the block, the invitation extended to a new classmate — that growth takes place. In this gray area of just beyond the comfortable is where resilience is born. So if children are able to live with mistakes and even failing, why does it drive us crazy? So many parents have said to me, “I can’t stand to see my child unhappy.” If you can’t stand to see your child unhappy, you are in the wrong business. The small challenges that start in infancy (the first whimper that doesn’t bring you running) present the opportunity for “successful failures,” that is, failures your child can live with and grow from. To rush in too quickly, to shield them, to deprive them of those challenges is to deprive them of the tools they will need to handle the inevitable, difficult, challenging and sometimes devastating demands of life. While doing things for your child unnecessarily or prematurely can reduce motivation and increase dependency, it is the inability to maintain parental boundaries that most damages child development. When we do things for our children out of our own needs rather than theirs, it forces them to circumvent the most critical task of childhood: to develop a robust sense of self. There is an important distinction between good and bad parental involvement. For example, a young child doesn’t want to sit and do his math homework. Good parents insist on compliance, not because they need their child to be a perfect student but because the child needs to learn the fundamentals of math and develop a good work ethic. Compare this with the parent who spends weeks “helping” his or her child fill out college applications with the clear expectation that if they both work hard enough, a “gotta get into” school is a certainty. (While most of my parent patients have graduated from college, it is always a telltale sign of overparenting when they talk about how “we’re applying to Columbia.”) In both situations parents are using control, in the first case behavioral (sit down, do your math) and in the second psychological (“we’re applying.”) It is psychological control that carries with it a textbook’s worth of damage to a child’s developing identity. If pushing, direction, motivation and reward always come from the outside, the child never has the opportunity to craft an inside. Having tutors prep your anxious 3-year-old for a preschool interview because all your friends’ children are going to this particular school or pushing your exhausted child to take one more advanced-placement course because it will ensure her spot as class valedictorian is not involved parenting but toxic overparenting aimed at meeting the parents’ need for status or affirmation and not the child’s needs. So how do parents find the courage to discard the malpractice of overparenting? It’s hard to swim upstream, to resist peer pressure. But we must remember that children thrive best in an environment that is reliable, available, consistent and noninterfering. A loving parent is warm, willing to set limits and unwilling to breach a child’s psychological boundaries by invoking shame or guilt. Parents must acknowledge their own anxiety. Your job is to know your child well enough to make a good call about whether he can manage a particular situation. Will you stay up worrying? Probably, but the child’s job is to grow, yours is to control your anxiety so it doesn’t get in the way of his reasonable moves toward autonomy. Parents also have to be clear about their own values. Children watch us closely. If you want your children to be able to stand up for their values, you have to do the same. If you believe that a summer spent reading, taking creek walks and playing is better than a specialized camp, then stick to your guns. Parents also have to make sure their own lives are fulfilling. There is no parent more vulnerable to the excesses of overparenting than an unhappy parent. One of the most important things we do for our children is to present them with a version of adult life that is appealing and worth striving for. Childhood — and parenting — have radically changed in the past few decades, to the point where far more children today struggle to manage their behavior.
That's the argument Katherine Reynolds Lewis makes in her new parenting book, The Good News About Bad Behavior. "We face a crisis of self-regulation," Lewis writes. And by "we," she means parents and teachers who struggle daily with difficult behavior from the children in their lives. Lewis, a journalist, certified parent educator and mother of three, asks why so many kids today are having trouble managing their behavior and emotions. Three factors, she says, have contributed mightily to this crisis. First: Where, how and how much kids are allowed to play has changed. Second, their access to technology and social media has exploded. Finally, Lewis suggests, children today are too "unemployed." She doesn't simply mean the occasional summer job for a high school teen. The term is a big tent, and she uses it to include household jobs that can help even toddlers build confidence and a sense of community. "They're not asked to do anything to contribute to a neighborhood or family or community," Lewis tells NPR in a recent interview. "And that really erodes their sense of self-worth — just as it would with an adult being unemployed." Below is more of that interview, edited for length and clarity. What sorts of tasks are children and parents prioritizing instead of household responsibilities? To be straight-A students and athletic superstars, gifted musicians and artists — which are all wonderful goals, but they are long-term and pretty narcissistic. They don't have that sense of contribution and belonging in a family the way that a simple household chore does, like helping a parent prepare a meal. Anyone who loves to cook knows it's so satisfying to feed someone you love and to see that gratitude and enjoyment on their faces. And kids today are robbed of that. It's part of the work of the family. We all do it, and when it's more of a social compact than an adult in charge of doling out a reward, that's much more powerful. They can see that everyone around them is doing jobs. So it seems only fair that they should also. Kids are so driven by what's fair and what's unfair. And that's why the more power you give kids, the more control you give them, the more they will step up. You also argue that play has changed dramatically. How so? Two or three decades ago, children were roaming neighborhoods in mixed-age groups, playing pretty unsupervised or lightly supervised. They were able to resolve disputes, which they had a strong motivation to because they wanted to keep playing. They also planned their time and managed their games. They had a lot of autonomy, which also feeds self-esteem and mental health. Nowadays, kids, including my own, are in child care pretty much from morning until they fall into bed — or they're under the supervision of their parents. So they aren't taking small risks. They aren't managing their time. They aren't making decisions and resolving disputes with their playmates the way that kids were 20 or 30 years ago. And those are really important social and emotional skills for kids to learn, and play is how all young mammals learn them. While we're on the subject of play and the importance of letting kids take risks, even physical risks, you mention a remarkable study out of New Zealand — about phobias. Can you tell us about it? This study dates back to when psychologists believed that if you had a phobia as an adult, you must have had some traumatic experience as a child. So they started looking at people who had phobias and what their childhood experiences were like. In fact, they found the opposite relationship. People who had a fall from heights were less likely to have an adult phobia of heights. People who had an early experience with near-drowning had zero correlation with a phobia of water, and children who were separated from their parents briefly at an early age actually had less separation anxiety later in life. We need to help kids to develop tolerance against anxiety, and the best way to do that, this research suggests, is to take small risks — to have falls and scrapes and tumbles and discover that they're capable and that they can survive being hurt. Let them play with sticks or fall off a tree. And yeah, maybe they break their arm, but that's how they learn how high they can climb. You say in the book that "we face a crisis of self-regulation." What does that look like at home and in the classroom? It's the behavior in our homes that keeps us from getting out the door in the morning and keeps us from getting our kids to sleep at night. In schools, it's kids jumping out of seats because they can't control their behavior or their impulses, getting into shoving matches on the playground, being frozen during tests because they have such high rates of anxiety. Really, I lump under this umbrella of self-regulation the increase in anxiety, depression, ADHD, substance addiction and all of these really big challenges that are ways kids are trying to manage their thoughts, behavior and emotions because they don't have the other skills to do it in healthy ways. You write a lot about the importance of giving kids a sense of control. My 6-year-old resists our morning schedule, from waking up to putting on his shoes. Where is the middle ground between giving him control over his choices and making sure he's ready when it's time to go? It's a really tough balance. We start off, when our kids are babies, being in charge of everything. And our goal by the time they're 18 is to be in charge of nothing — to work ourselves out of the job of being that controlling parent. So we have to constantly be widening the circle of things that they're in charge of, and shrinking our own responsibility. It's a bit of a dance for a 6-year-old, really. They love power. So give him as much power as you can stand and really try to save your direction for the things that you don't think he can do. He knows how to put on his shoes. So if you walk out the door, he will put on his shoes and follow you. It may not feel like it, but eventually he will. And if you spend five or 10 minutes outside that door waiting for him — not threatening or nagging — he'll be more likely to do it quickly. It's one of these things that takes a leap of faith, but it really works. Kids also love to be part of that discussion of, what does the morning look like. Does he want to draw a visual calendar of the things that he wants to get done in the morning? Does he want to set times, or, if he's done by a certain time, does he get to do something fun before you leave the house? All those things that are his ideas will pull him into the routine and make him more willing to cooperate. Whether you're trying to get your child to dress, do homework or practice piano, it's tempting to use rewards that we know our kids love, especially sweets and screen time. You argue in the book: Be careful. Why? Yes. The research on rewards is pretty powerful, and it suggests that the more we reward behavior, the less desirable that behavior becomes to children and adults alike. If the child is coming up with, "Oh, I'd really like to do this," and it stems from his intrinsic interests and he's more in charge of it, then it becomes less of a bribe and more of a way that he's structuring his own morning. The adult doling out rewards is really counterproductive in the long term — even though they may seem to work in the short term. The way parents or teachers discover this is that they stop working. At some point, the kid says, "I don't really care about your reward. I'm going to do what I want." And then we have no tools. Instead, we use strategies that are built on mutual respect and a mutual desire to get through the day smoothly. You offer pretty simple guidance for parents when they're confronted with misbehavior and feel they need to dole out consequences. You call them the four R's. Can you walk me through them? The four R's will keep a consequence from becoming a punishment. So it's important to avoid power struggles and to win the kid's cooperation. They are: Any consequence should be revealed in advance, respectful, related to the decision the child made, and reasonable in scope. Generally, by the time they're 6 or 7 years old, kids know the rules of society and politeness, and we don't need to give them a lecture in that moment of misbehavior to drill it into their heads. In fact, acting in that moment can sometimes be counterproductive if they are amped up, their amygdala's activated, they're in a tantrum or excited state, and they can't really learn very well because they can't access the problem-solving part of their brain, the prefrontal cortex, where they're really making decisions and thinking rationally. So every misbehavior doesn't need an immediate consequence. You even tell parents, in the heat of the moment, it's OK to just mumble and walk away. What do you mean? That's when you are looking at your child, they are not doing what you want, and you cannot think of what to do. Instead of jumping in with a bribe or a punishment or yelling, you give yourself some space. Pretend you had something on the stove you need to grab or that you hear something ringing in the other room and walk away. That gives you just a little space to gather your thoughts and maybe calm down a little bit so you can respond to their behavior from the best place in you — from your best intentions as a parent. I can imagine skeptics out there, who say, "But kids need to figure out how to live in a world that really doesn't care what they want. You're pampering them!" In fact, you admit your own mother sometimes feels this way. What do you say to that? I would never tell someone who's using a discipline strategy that they feel really works that they're wrong. What I say to my mom is, "The tools and strategies that you used and our grandparents used weren't wrong, they just don't work with modern kids." Ultimately, we want to instill self-discipline in our children, which will never happen if we're always controlling them. If we respond to our kids' misbehavior instead of reacting, we'll get the results we want. I want to take a little of the pressure off of parenting; each instance is not life or death. We can let our kids struggle a little bit. We can let them fail. In fact, that is the process of childhood when children misbehave. It's not a sign of our failure as parents. It's normal. Rudolf Dreikurs taught, “A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water.” In other words, encouragement is essential. Children may not die without encouragement, but they certainly wither.
Since encouragement is so essential, it’s helpful for parents and teachers to know exactly what encouragement means and how to use it. Let’s start with what encouragement is not. Rudolf Dreikurs taught, “A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water.” In other words, encouragement is essential. Children may not die without encouragement, but they certainly wither. Since encouragement is so essential, it’s helpful for parents and teachers to know exactly what encouragement means and how to use it. Let’s start with what encouragement is not. Encouragement is not Cheering, Clapping, and Commenting on Everything a Child Does Too often parents and teachers talk too much. Sometimes the talking is called “lecturing,” and sometimes it is an attempt to be encouraging. A trend today is for adults to think they have to make a comment (in the name of encouragement) on everything a child does. Even worse is when they think they should clap and cheer. Imagine you are a two-year-old child and you have just poured your own milk from a small measuring cup into a small cup. What are you feeling? When I get into that role, I’m feeling proud of myself—and very capable. Stay in the role and now imagine your mother starts clapping and cheering? What are you feeling now? When I get into that role it is interesting that I still feel proud. I even like it that my mother is cheering. However, when I dig deep, I’m starting to believe I need to do well to please my mother. Clapping and cheering for every small deed is a form of praise, and the danger is that children do like it. They don’t understand the subtle beginnings of the need to please and/or the fear that they might not. All of these feelings and decisions are being formed at a subconscious level. Cheering, clapping and commenting on everything a child does are subtle ways of making your child’s accomplishments more about you than about him or her. It actually robs your child of maintaining his or her sense of personal satisfaction and feelings of capability. Encouragement Is Encouragement is helping your children develop courage—courage to grow and develop into the people they want to be. Courage to feel capable, to be resilient, to enjoy life, to be happy, contributing members of society, and, as Dreikurs said, “To have the courage to be imperfect,” to feel free to make mistakes and to learn from them. So, now I must go back to what encouragement is not. Encouragement is not rescuing, fixing, over-protecting What would happen if the mother bird felt guilty about pushing her baby bird out of the nest so it will learn to fly? The baby bird would not survive. How well do our children survive when they don’t develop their disappointment muscles, their resiliency muscles, their delayed gratification muscles, and their courage to be imperfect muscles? When parents rescue, fix, and overprotect, they rob their children of the opportunity to learn that they can survive disappointment; that they can survive the ups and downs of life and learn many life skills in the process. How to Encourage Positive Discipline tools such as the following are designed to be encouraging to children:
Energetic Encouragement Sometimes, the most encouraging thing a parent or teacher can do is to sit close by and keep his or her mouth shut while simply sending out energetic support. A unique feature of Positive Discipline parenting classes and workshops is to use experiential activities to help parents practice skills and “get into the child’s world” to process the effects of their skills. In a recent workshop I asked a volunteer to be her 5-year-old who has temper tantrums when she "wants something now." I had her sit in a chair next to me (so we didn't have to sit on the floor) and told her to role-play her daughter having a tantrum while I role-played the mom sending out energetic support. All I did was sit there and watch her with a compassionate look on my face. It was fun to process with her later how she was aware of what I was doing even though she was in the middle of her tantrum. She shared that she felt loved and supported—even though she was a little frustrated that her tantrum didn’t work. I pointed out that when children feel confused because their behavior isn’t “working,” they are ready to go “shopping” for a new behavior. So, even though a Positive Discipline Tool doesn’t seem to be encouraging changed behavior, it may be effective in the long-term once the child decides to shop for another behavior. Use the following questions to make sure you provide an encouraging shopping environment:
If you can answer yes to the first part of each of these questions, it is likely that you are being encouraging to your child. If not, now might be a good time to start practicing encouragement. When embarking upon the journey into Positive Discipline, it helps to have a destination in mind, and a road map to help you get there. Creating a list of characteristics and life skills you hope to have your children develop can serve as your road map.
Imagine your child is now 25-years-old and has knocked on your door for a surprise visit. What kind of person do you hope to see in front of you? What characteristics and life skills do you hope he or she has? Many parents don’t realize that the discipline methods they use do not help them accomplish what they really want for their children. The first step in learning to be the best (but not perfect) parent you can be is to create a roadmap to guide you to your destination. This activity will help you be clear about what you want for your children. Following is a list of behavior challenges (Now) and life skills and characteristics (Future) brainstormed by parents in many classes. They are always very similar. How many of these challenges and goals were on your list? Are there some you would like to add to your list? Copy and hang your list of Characteristics and Life Skills where you will see it daily to keep your destination in mind. During our Positive Discipline workshops and classes, we teach through experiential activities in which parents have the opportunity to role-play parents and children. This provides them with the opportunity to get into the child’s world to gain a sense of what works and what doesn’t work. After each activity, the adult who role-played as the child is taken to two lists (similar to those above) that are prominently displayed on a wall, and asked, “As the child, were you learning anything on this list of characteristics and life skills?” After experiencing an ineffective parenting method, the “child” always says, “No.” We then point out the list of challenges and ask if he or she is feeling motivated to engage in any of these behaviors. The “child” usually points out several misbehaviors that he or she feels motivated to do. This helps parents understand how they may have a part in creating the misbehaviors they complain about. They experience what it is like to be a child who responds to disrespectful parenting methods with more misbehavior, and why the child acts that way. After the “child” experiences a Positive Discipline tool during a role-play, he or she is always able to identify several of the characteristics and life skills he or she is learning. This kind of experiential learning has a greater impact on parents than any other kind of learning. Will all of these activities and tools turn you into a perfect parent? No. Sorry, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Will your children feel a sense of belonging, significance, and a strong belief in their personal capability? Yes. Does this mean they will be perfect and never misbehave? No! It is part of their developmental process to individuate—to test the boundaries as they discover who they are and how to use their personal power. All the more reason to use parenting tools that focus on problem-solving skills instead of methods that increase power struggles and revenge cycles. This workbook will help you understand that behavior challenges create wonderful opportunities to teach your children the valuable social and life skills you want for them. You will learn:
10 Healthy Discipline Strategies That Work :
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AuthorHi! I am Tim Connolly and I am providing help to parents to bring up their children in a healthy environment. I am working in this profession from last 5 years, if you have any query regarding this please contact me. Archives
June 2021
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