Families are often reluctant to talk about wealth and inheritance with their children, but experts say that can create confusion and insecurity.
Parents would be remiss if they did not talk to their children about drinking and driving, using drugs and, of course, sex. Some go even further, discussing subjects like bullying and mental health. So why do a significant number of parents still not talk to their children about wealth and inheritance? Two-thirds of Americans who have at least $3 million in investable assets have not talked to their children about their wealth or never will, according to a Merrill Private Wealth Management study of 650 families. Some in the survey said they did not bother because they assumed their children had already figured it out. But 67 percent had quietly made gifts in a trust or set aside money in their children’s name to pay for school, buy a home or just supplement their income. Ten percent steadfastly refused to talk at all with their children about money, saying it was no one’s business. “We’re moving forward, but there’s still a long way to go,” said Stacy Allred, managing director of the Merrill Center for Family Wealth. Yet in 2019 — after the Great Recession, a 10-year bull market in stocks and a movement against income inequality — a surprising number of parents are still reticent about wealth. In a world of oversharing on social media, why does this restraint persist? It’s complicated. Here are four reasons parents avoid “the talk,” and what they can do about it. You Think Your Children Are Not Watching You The most common reason cited for not talking about money is that parents do not want inheritance to rob children of motivation. So if a parent does not say anything, a child will never figure out the family’s wealth. Impossible. Children are well able to use computers and mobile devices to determine just how much their house, car and vacation cost, along with their school fees and the salaries of any household help. Information about prominent parents and families is flowing to their children’s friends as well. “A second-grade kid, because they go to all of these house parties, will be able to rank the wealth of all the people in his or her class pretty accurately,” said Dennis Jaffe, a psychologist who works with wealthy families. “It’s not positive or negative, and they’re not jealous yet. But these are teaching moments about values.” This challenges the notion that waiting until children are older is better. By then, they will have formed their own views on wealth by watching their parents. “Values are set by everyday behaviors when you’re growing up, and kids are watching you,” Mr. Jaffe said. “Entitlement education begins in nursery school, not when they’re 25 and come to you and say, ‘I need some money.’” The strategy of ignorance exposes a disconnect between a parent’s stated reason and real reason for saying nothing, said Matthew Wesley, a director at Merrill’s Center for Family Wealth and a co-author of the study with Ms. Allred. “The stated reason is, ‘We don’t want money to screw up our kids, and if we disclose our wealth to them, we’ll derail their career paths,’” Mr. Wesley said. “The deeper reason is about fear and control — the fear to relinquish that control and the deeper psychological issues around money.” Disengagement creates more problems, though, because it can create a perception that a family is more, or less, wealthy than it really is. Leaving children to guess can also create feelings of insecurity. Some parents shy away from talking about wealth because they have decided to give away most of the money. “That’s great, but if you’re not telling your kids, that’s weird,” Mr. Jaffe said. “If that’s what you believe in, why wouldn’t you tell your kids that ‘we’re a very wealthy family, but our values say we’re going to put most of it into a philanthropy, and we’re all going to work and do something on our own’?” You Are Anxious, and Talking Will Make It Worse Talking to your children about sex, drugs and drinking can help release anxiety for a parent. They’ve done their job and protected their child. But talking about wealth, Mr. Jaffe said, often increases a parent’s anxiety. “What you fear is your kids will see it differently,” he said. “But the fact is when people say, ‘I don’t want my kids to know we’re wealthy,’ I say, ‘Look around your house.’” That anxiety can be heightened by a feeling of not knowing what to talk about or when or with whom. “When you talk about ‘these conversations,’ what does that mean?” asked Michael Liersch, global head of wealth planning and advice for J.P. Morgan Private Bank. “Is it money or the balance sheet or roles and expectations in the family or family values?” Unlike some other anxiety-filled talks, conversations about family wealth aren’t cued by a stage of life. “When they’re 15, you’re primed to teach them how to drive,” said Bradley T. Klontz, a financial psychologist and professor at Creighton University. “But there is no set time to say, ‘We’re going to sit the kids down and tell them about our estate plan and bring them in with the C.P.A. and attorney and tell them what’s going on.’” ADVERTISEMENT The thought of a series of discussions can be overwhelming to parents who feel ill prepared for the questions their children will have. “Talking about something sensitive always requires conversations about related sensitive topics,” said John A. Davis, senior lecturer in the family enterprise programs at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s Sloan School of Management. “If you don’t feel you have answers to questions that might come up, or solutions to behaviors you don’t want to see, you will kick this can down the road.” Advisers suggest starting when children are young but keeping the conversation age appropriate. Talking in stages will produce less anxiety than trying to reveal everything all at once. “Talking about money in a family doesn’t actually mean you have to talk about investment holdings and strategies,” Mr. Liersch said. “It could be talking about the purposes and goals and the meaning of wealth. That’s often more productive than the key details.” You Don’t Know Because No One Ever Had the Talk With You Sometimes, parents avoid the discussion because they do not know the answers or even how much money they have. Melissa, who asked that her last name be withheld for privacy, was part of the Merrill study. She said she and her husband had started talking to their four children about their wealth eight years ago but could have started much earlier if she had known how much money they had. They were living comfortably, but so was everyone else in their suburb outside New York. What she did not know was how the value of her husband’s part of a business had increased over the years or about the success he had in other ventures. “It was so overwhelming that I nearly died,” she said. “At the same time, my older children were heading into the work force, and I thought we weren’t giving them the right financial skills.” Since then, she and her husband have held annual meetings with their children, whose ages now range from 18 to 31. Their goal has been not, as Melissa describes it, to suddenly shine a bright light in their children’s eyes but to gradually reveal information, like a dimmer switch slowly lighting a room. They began by outlining their own feelings about money and where it could help and hurt. “It’s such a valuable process to communicate and have respect for all members of your family,” Melissa said. “That’s really been a surprise to me; if you can give them skills, you’re guiding them and they’re learning.” You Do Not Come From Generational Wealth Families that inherit wealth often continue to be wealthy because of the conversations they have. It’s what they have done for generations. William T. LaFond, head of family wealth at Wilmington Trust, which was founded in 1903 to manage the du Pont family’s wealth, said many of the firms’ clients had preserved their wealth past the third generation because they talked early and often about it with their children. These families, he said, follow a three-step process: Educate their children about finances and wealth, communicate the family’s values, and hire good advisers. Those who do not succeed in passing money along successfully often have silence to blame. “The generation that receives the money has no education and no skills and wakes up like a lottery winner,” Mr. LaFond said. “You don’t want your kids to be lottery winners.” It is important for parents to explaining government to kids and all the important facts about what is going on in their country.
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“You either have the best skin of your life during pregnancy, or the worst.” That’s something my dermatologist told me when I came to him with what I thought was a rash but turned out to be a face full of acne. I was about five months pregnant with my first kid, and in shock. I never had acne as a teenager — a pimple was a once-a-year occurrence. I thought when you were pregnant you were supposed to glow, not have your face burst into flames.
Turns out that for a good portion of the pregnant population, glowing is a lie! While the research on this isn’t great, studies show that about 40 percent of pregnant women have acne, and while the majority of those women had acne before pregnancy, more than 13 percent of them didn’t. The folks with no history of acne who flare up as adults are the “most angry patients of the day,” said Dr. Jenny Murase, M.D., an associate clinical professor of dermatology at U.C.S.F. Medical Center. To add insult to injury for all of us with our first acne during pregnancy — it may be because we’re getting older, not just because we’re pregnant. Dr. Murase said an onset of acne in your early 30s is very well-described in the medical literature. Because I had my first child at 30, “With the timing, it was your age and you were coincidentally pregnant,” she said. But that’s not the only skin condition that may crop up during pregnancy, postpartum and beyond — in fact, there are so many things that might happen to your skin and hair (skin tags! hair loss!), but I’m focusing just on a few major areas in this newsletter. I talked to three dermatologists about some skin conditions to look out for, and how to deal with them. Acne: The bad news first. “There are very few ways to treat acne during pregnancy,” said Dr. Hilary Baldwin, M.D., medical director of the Acne Treatment and Research Center in New Jersey and New York. There aren’t good studies about the use of acne medication on pregnant women. (This is an issue that crops up with all medications during pregnancy: Most studies on pregnant women and medication are observational, which are not the highest quality studies.) But there are a few medications that have no data indicating adverse effects, Dr. Baldwin said, including metronidazole, clindamycin and azelaic acid. All three come in topical form, and metronidazole and clindamycin, which are antibiotics, are also available as oral medications (though the oral forms of these medications are not recommended during pregnancy). Over-the-counter treatments that work and are appropriate for use in pregnant women are limited. Pretty much all topical treatments are safe to use while you’re nursing, Dr. Baldwin said. “The absorption is extremely low,” so the chances of anything ending up in your breast milk are tiny. Any oral medication that’s safe for a baby to take is safe for a nursing parent to take, Dr. Baldwin said. If you have an acne flare up during pregnancy or postpartum, it might not resolve immediately, she added. You may need ongoing treatment even after you stop nursing, but at that point you will have more options for medication. Pigmentation problems: During pregnancy, your nipples may get darker; you may develop a line down the middle of your belly called the linea nigra, which can take many months after your baby’s birth to go away; and you may also get melasma, otherwise known as the mask of pregnancy. Melasma is “characterized by tan or brown patches on the cheek, the forehead, the upper lip and portions of the face,” said Dr. Andrew Alexis, M.D., chairman of the department of dermatology at Mount Sinai St. Luke’s and Mount Sinai West. Melasma can happen in anyone but is more prevalent among women of color, said Dr. Alexis, who is also the director of the Skin of Color Center at Mount Sinai. During pregnancy, Dr. Alexis recommends preventative measures, like staying out of the sun, to avoid melasma. Once the mask of pregnancy appears, azelaic acid can be used to treat the condition in pregnant and nursing women, and it can be used later on. If you’re not nursing, you can also use creams containing hydroquinone, or topical retinoids like Retin-A, to treat melasma after you give birth, Dr. Alexis said. Stretch marks: “There’s very little evidence of any therapy that can prevent them,” Dr. Alexis said. Extremely moisturizing lotions like shea butter might help reduce stretch marks, Dr. Alexis has found anecdotally, though there’s no evidence to support it. There’s not much to be done treatment-wise during pregnancy and lactation for stretch marks, he said. But when you’re no longer nursing, you can try retinoids to reduce their appearance. You can also try laser resurfacing, “but it requires multiple sessions to get the results, and there are some nuances to treating women of color,” because with darker skin there’s a higher risk of skin-color changes, Dr. Alexis said. So if you are a woman of color, it’s paramount to find a provider who has expertise in doing laser treatments on women with darker skin. One last thing: You may think that being concerned with skin changes during your child-rearing years is mere vanity, but there are real psychological consequences to untreated severe conditions, Dr. Baldwin said. Studies have shown that acne can lead to negative body image, lower self-esteem, depression and even workplace discrimination. Which is all to say: It’s not frivolous or shallow to care about the way you look when you’re also caring for a baby. Want More on Your Body Before and After Kids?
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AuthorHi! I am Tim Connolly and I am providing help to parents to bring up their children in a healthy environment. I am working in this profession from last 5 years, if you have any query regarding this please contact me. Archives
June 2021
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